White
by Arasoi
Summary: As Valentine’s Day approaches, Subaru remembers and regrets the holiday and that one year… [S&S]


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White

An X/Tokyo Babylon Valentine's Day Fic

By Arasoi

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Summary- As Valentine's Day approaches, Subaru remembers and regrets the holiday and what it meant to him during that one year…

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Rating-PG-13: Homosexuality

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Disclaimer- Yeah, right. If I owned Subaru and Seishirou, they would never leave the bedroom. Oh, and Hokuto…don't own her, don't want her, CLAMP can keep her. 

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Author's Notes- So, yeah. This fic was written in one day, on Valentine's Day 2003. Unfortunately, I didn't get to post it in time. It's a lot less…angsty…than most of my fics. Pretty fluffy. For those that don't know, Valentine's Day, in Japan, is a day on which girls give chocolates to their love ones…especially to boys they like/love. If the boy returns those feelings, he'll present the girl with a gift on March 14th, known as White Day. I took some liberties with the holidays in the fic. I figure Hokuto would be the type to say "screw it!" to tradition anyway. Oh, and it helps if you've seen "The Exorcist". 

Special thanks to Susan for the beta!

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Dedicated to Suiel. I hope you find your Seishirou-san...only a little nicer, and not an assassin, because blood is a bitch to get out of clothes…

***

Some days, it just didn't pay to get out of bed. 

Sumeragi Subaru had learned that lesson rather quickly in his short time here on Earth. He had once stayed in bed for over two months for that very reason, refusing to deal with life. Unfortunately for him, he also learned that bad things happened while you were in bed, as well. 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

And so, it was with this philosophy that he wandered the streets of Tokyo one chilly February day. The thin white trench coat he had grown rather fond of recently was not very functional, so the cool wind ripped through him, causing him to shiver. He paused, lit a cigarette, and moved on, weaving his way through the mass of people. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Perhaps he would resume his search...although his heart wasn't really into it today.

It wasn't long before he realized there was something not...quite...right...

The always-busy streets, usually filled with frowning salarymen and harried students, seemed to carry more smiling people than usual. As he made his way through the crowds, he noticed an unusually large number of couples, talking and laughing as they walked hand-in-hand. _Must be something in the air_, he thought bitterly.

Seeing people in love did not have the same effect on him that it once did. He used to smile softly to himself, blush, and think _Maybe that will be me, one day_. Now, it caused him to turn away and face his churning emotions, and bitterly think _Why me_?

The further into Shinjuku he got, the more this feeling of unease spread. More happy people. More couples. He frowned a little, his eyes scanning the skyscrapers and buildings around him. Perhaps...But no, that didn't make any sense. Why would the Sakurazukamori create an illusion full of _happy_ people? Subaru stopped, letting the sea of people part around him as he brought his star-kissed hands up. The markings were dull and flat. It was unlikely that Sei...that the Sakurazukamori was anywhere close.

Shrugging off his suspicions, he continued on.

The answer finally came to him in a shop window, of all places. It was all the red that caught his eye. He stopped in his tracks, the old woman behind him almost colliding into him. She said something to him, but he did not hear. Whether it was a curse, an apology...he didn't care. His vivid green eyes were focused on the window display before him. He moved closer and closer to it, as if he was in a trance.

The window held every commercialized symbol of love that a human could possibly conceive. A multitude of colors designed to overwhelm the average shopper. There was pink, silver, white, and even purple. And red...red like freshly-spilled blood. It covered everything; flowers, mostly fully bloomed roses, candy, balloons, stuffed animals. And artfully arranged displays and ads were full of hearts and declarations of love...

Valentine's Day. 

It was Valentine's Day. Oh, God. Subaru's eyes clamped shut as he turned away in an attempt to shield himself from the display. But it was too late to protect himself from the past. The memory came rushing back to him, even as he fought it...even though he KNEW he didn't want to remember...

***

A loud knock pulled Subaru out of his seat.

"Coming!" he shouted to let the visitor know that he was coming. He blushed as he thought of the person who stood on the other side of the door. _I hope I look okay_, he thought, adjusting the tie on Hokuto's latest creation. A creation that Subaru had to admit he actually liked. It was a little more...conservative...than her usual works of art. 

The outfit consisted of white slacks with silver glitter sprinkled throughout, shiny red boots that came up to the middle of his calves, and a white shirt. To accessorize, she had added red gloves with silver lining, a red tie with one large, abstract silver heart, and a belt that matched, using the same silver heart as a belt buckle. And to top it all off, a red wool trench coat and beret. If anyone had forgotten that it was Valentine's Day...well, Subaru was Hokuto's walking billboard for the holiday.

Subaru swung open the door and beamed up at his guest. "Hello, Seishirou-san." 

Sakurazuka Seishirou smiled down at him, a dashing and warm smile that caused the young onmyouji to beam. The veterinarian was handsome, as always. This evening, he was wearing something Subaru had never seen him in: a black suit. Most of Seishirou's suits had more of a casual business flare, and a little bit of color, too. 

Not this one: the expensive looking black suit was complimented by the only bit of color he was wearing...a red tie. Briefly, Subaru wondered if Hokuto had called him and talked him into coordinating. A black coat was draped across his arm, and those warm honey eyes were staring at him. Seishirou looked...dangerous, exciting. Subaru couldn't keep a blush from spreading across his cheeks, adding a little more red to Hokuto's masterpiece. 

"Good Evening, Subaru-kun. How are you?" Seishirou asked politely as he stepped through the door. Subaru took Seishirou's coat, and hung it on the peg next to his red one. The two chatted idly as they made their way into the living room. "Where's Hokuto-chan?" Seishirou questioned, deducing that she wasn't there since he wasn't tackled upon arrival.

Subaru smiled. "She has a date tonight. With all the chocolate she was giving out, it's no wonder. She asked every cute guy she gave some to on a date. One was bound to say yes. She really, really loves Valentine's Day." And as if on cue, the pair walked into the living room.

Seishirou stopped. And stared. 

Subaru blushed. 

The living room was covered in Valentine's Day paraphernalia. Balloons floated in the air, their mylar shining in the last of the day's light. Vases and vases of roses covered the table, floor...anywhere a vase would fit. Stuffed animals adorned the chairs...Seishirou spotted a giraffe, a kitten, and a penguin from where he was standing. And to top it all off, packages of candy were stacked high in the center of the coffee table. Candy of every kind...but most of all, chocolate.

Seishirou finally closed his mouth and turned to look down at the furiously blushing Sumeragi. "Ha..Ha..Happy Valentine's Day, Seishirou-san..." He was barely able to speak. His eyes shifted to the side, away from his companion and the Valentine's spectacle that used to be the Sumeragi living room. He was clutching the beret in his hands, wringing it over and over again. "It...was Hokuto-chan's idea..." he said in a very, very small voice.

Seishirou smirked, then softened his face. He cupped Subaru's chin in his hand, and Subaru thought his heart would leap out of his chest. Turning the boy to face him, he smiled gently. "Thank you, Subaru-kun," and leaned over, kissing him softly on the forehead. Subaru felt the heat rise to his face as he closed his eyes, savoring the feel of Seishirou's lips on his skin.

When he opened them again, he saw Seishirou staring at his presents with a sense of awe on his face. It was as if Hokuto had poured all her matchmaking energies into this one holiday. A full frontal assault to win Seishirou's affections for Subaru. Of course, she should have known that the vet only had eyes for her brother. Seishirou walked towards the coffee table and noticed two cards, both addressed to him. He picked up the white one first, and turned to Subaru. "May I?" Subaru nodded his head vigorously.

Seishirou pulled out the first card, a simple Valentine's Day card for a friend. He quickly read the message on the inside. "Seishirou-san...thank you for always being there for me, and for being our best friend. I'm glad we met. Subaru." Seishirou had to hold back a smirk at all the things left unsaid in the card...fortunately, he was very good at reading between the lines. He flashed Subaru a radiant smile, to let him know he appreciated the card, then opened its twin...

It was in a bright pink envelope with hearts scribbled everywhere. He pulled out the card, tacky in the extreme, covered in glitter, ribbon, stickers, and every other decoration known to man, and opened it. "Sei-chan! I hope you liked your little surprise. My gift to you is my date...you two spend some 'quality time' alone together! Take care of my little brother, okay? Love ya', Hokuto."

Seishirou threw back his head and laughed. Subaru gave him a questioning look, which he just shook his head to. "Subaru-kun...your sister really is too much." Subaru nodded solemnly. 

"I'm sorry...Hokuto-chan gets so carried away." Subaru picked up a kitten plushie and gave it a mournful look. "I told her you wouldn't like all this..." Seishirou watched as Subaru cuddled the little kitten. He thought it was the most adorable thing he had ever seen.

He wandered over to the penguin and picked him up, giving the soft wing a tug. "Truly, I have no idea what I'll do with all of this...my apartment is so small." Subaru blushed again...or perhaps, it was still, since he hadn't stopped since Seishirou arrived. "But..." he said, walking over to the young Head of the Sumeragi Clan. "I've never felt more appreciated...or loved... in my whole life." He took the kitten out of Subaru's hands, and along with his penguin, and sat them on the chair. Sitting on the arm, he pulled Subaru over to him. 

Subaru's heart was beating so fast, and he felt lightheaded. There was no way that he could resist being pulled over to Seishirou. Not that he wanted to resist. The vet didn't stop tugging until they were on eye level with each other, with Seishirou sitting on the arm of the chair and Subaru standing between his knees. 

"Thank you, Subaru-kun. For going through so much trouble for a poor vet like me..." And just as Subaru started to say "You're welcome," he felt Seishirou's warm hand on his cheek, and his other hand at his hair, their fingers parting the silky strands. Huge, frightened green eyes locked onto the soft, golden ones. Subaru felt as if he would pass out.

And then, Seishirou's warm breath was there...and his lips were on Subaru's. Softly, Seishirou kissed him. He could feel the boy's body shaking. After a moment, Seishirou pulled away...only to have Subaru collapse against him. "Subaru?" he asked, his voice laced with a good impression of worry.

Subaru started, and jumped out of Seishirou's arms. His warm, inviting arms...the onmyouji shook his head violently, trying to make his brain function again. He was giving the color of his tie a run for its money. He found it very difficult to look at the man who had just given him his first kiss. Seishirou sensed this, and reached behind him. "So..."

Subaru looked up as Seishirou started to speak. And was greeted with a strange sight. Seishirou was conversing with the stuffed penguin. He blinked.

"...where do you think I should take Subaru-kun for a special Valentine's dinner, Pengie-san?" Seishirou brought the penguin up to his ear, nodding as he pretended that the penguin was speaking to him. Subaru watched with a little bit of confusion, and a small amount o concern, as Seishirou's face lit up. "An excellent idea! I love their pasta!" His eyes closed into small slits as he smiled at the penguin. "Good idea, Pengie-san!"

"Umm...Seishirou-san?" Subaru resisted the urge to laugh at the older man playing with a stuffed animal. Seishirou placed the penguin back on the chair and turned to his date. 

"Yes?"

"You don't have to take me out for a special dinner..." 

Seishirou looked wounded. "But I want to, Subaru-kun! I know Valentine's Day is normally a day when a woman gives chocolate to the people she loves...but it's also a day when you show those you love that you care for them. As you've shown me tonight. The least I can do is buy you a wonderful dinner!"

"Besides..." he walked over to the young man and looked down at him. "It will be a chance for us to spend some time together. Just you and I. Would you deny me the chance to spend some time with the most talented onmyouji in Japan?" Subaru looked up into Seishirou's face and smiled. 

"Excellent!" Seishirou exclaimed, running into the foyer to retrieve their coats. After helping Subaru into his jacket and arranging the beret onto the glowing boy's head, they started to leave for dinner.

Subaru paused and looked back into the living room. "What should we do with all this stuff? Like you said, it will just clutter up your apartment." 

Seishirou made a small "hmm" sound, appearing to give it some serious thought. After a moment of consideration, his eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers. "I know! If you don't have a job tomorrow, we can gather everything up and pass them out at the hospital. I'm sure the children would love the stuffed animals! How does that sound?" 

Subaru's face lit up like the sun at the idea. "Yes…let's do that! You're so kind, Seishirou-san." All those poor people, sick or in pain…he hoped that the flowers, balloons, and toys would cheer up their day. 

Subaru gasped as Seishirou suddenly swept him into a dip, winking at his catch. "Well, it's only because I received what I wanted for Valentine's Day…" He delivered one more quick peck on Subaru's lips before pulling him upright. With smiles on their faces, they turned to head out the door. 

"Oh!" Seishirou stopped, looking down at his date "Wait a second..." He dashed around the corner and back into the living room. A second later he appeared again, with the stuffed kitten in his hands. He plopped the plushie into Subaru's hands. Subaru blinked, then looked up at the older man. 

Seishirou leaned over and whispered into Subaru's ear "She's yours...something to remember this night by, Subaru-kun." And then he planted a quick kiss on Subaru's cheek, holding the door open for him. Subaru walked through the door, clutching the kitten tightly. He couldn't help but think to himself that this was the most wonderful night of his life...

***

Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath, forcing his lungs to take in air. It hurt. Oh, how it hurt. Even after all this time, what was usually a dull ache that had settled within him and had become a part of his existence and everyday life could become a sharp pain in the matter of seconds. Just as a memory almost forgotten could be ripped to the surface by the smallest of stimuli.

The memory was so vivid, so raw...he could still smell Seishirou's cologne...feel his warm breath...his lips. It might as well have been this morning, instead of nine years ago. 

The Sumeragi shivered. Absent-mindedly, he wrapped his arms around himself and clutched his trench coat, much like he had clutched a certain beret once...a little boy, looking for warmth and reassurance. But this older, more experienced Subaru knew...he would find neither this day...and perhaps none on any other day for the rest of his life. Not that he expected that to be a long amount of time. 

Raising his face briefly to the window, he glanced at the festive display one last time, then his eyes flickered to the pavement, and his steps took him into the heart of Tokyo, one small step at a time.

***

After wandering Tokyo for hours, Subaru finally gave up. He had found no trace of the Sakurazukamori, as usual, and his heart wasn't really into the hunt anyway. Wearily, he dragged himself up the stairs, fishing pass a stack of ofuda to fumble with his keys and let himself inside the small, single bedroom apartment. Shrugging out of the white overcoat, he toed off his boots and headed straight for his bedroom. 

There, in the silence of his bedroom, he sat, smoking his last cigarette…a whole pack in one day-not a good sign. The sun set and darkness crept into the room, and still, he didn't move. His eyes were unfocused, staring at some point on the bare white wall, until suddenly, a decision was reached. 

Standing abruptly, Subaru walked to his closet and yanked the door open. From the topmost shelf, in the furthest corner, he pulled out an old, beat-up cardboard box. 

Brushing off a fine layer of dust, Subaru slid his fingers underneath the flaps. A small hesitation, and then, he pried them apart.

A jumble of knick-knacks and keepsakes stared up at him, each vying for his attention. And each one stabbed him with a different memory, and spoke to him a different emotion. Steeling himself against the past, he brushed aside the loud earrings (Hokuto's favorites), a broken pair of Seishirou's eyeglasses that he had left behind...he continued to sift until he found it. With shaking hands, he pulled a small stuffed kitten out of the bottom of the box. 

Raising it up, he examined the plush cat. It was white, with black on its paws and the tip of its tail. It was soft, and a red ribbon was tied around its neck, a silver heart dangling from it. The heart claimed "I love you!" As cute as it was, though, the years had not been kind to the poor toy...

After Seishirou's betrayal, Subaru had been rather rough on the small toy. There were several days that Subaru had done nothing but cried into its soft body, moaning Hokuto and Seishirou's names over and over. He had thrown it, screamed at it...some days, he would throw it in the trash, only to retrieve it later that day. One day, he had almost forgotten about it, and had panicked when the thought the garbage man had taken it away. The neighbors gave him concerned looks as he dug through the plastic bags, searching for his "Koneko-chan". 

Running his hands over the matted fur, Subaru sighed. How pathetic, he thought woefully, that a 24-year-old man was petting a stuffed animal. He was so tired...tired of it all. Clutching the cat to his slender frame, he collapsed on his bed, and chose to let sleep dull the pain of yet another Valentine's Day. 

ONE MONTH LATER

The warm coffee spread through him, chasing the chill away. He could feel the caffeine acting on his body, heightening his senses and pushing out the weariness. Subaru sat in the corner of the small cafe, nursing the coffee and ignoring the food menu. He had a job later that afternoon, an exorcism in a Christian church. 

It was an odd job…some Christians didn't believe in ghosts, even if they did believe in the human soul. Fortunately, this priest had been rather sure of what he had seen when he talked to Subaru on the phone. Kind of hard to deny the presence of a spirit when it was levitating the parishioners during the sermon. 

For some reason, the whole thing made him think of that movie he had seen once...what was the title…oh, yeah. "The Exorcist". Hokuto-chan had rented it because of the title.

_"Look, Subaru...this movie could be about you! You could star in a Japanese remake! OHOHOHOHO..."_

For months, whenever Subaru said he was leaving for a job, she would jokingly tell him to watch out for green projectile vomiting. At least, it –was- a joke, until one of his jobs had him returning home covered from head to toe in pea-green…slime. Hollywood wasn't supposed to be RIGHT about those types of things. 

The corners of Subaru's lips twitched as he brought the coffee to his lips again. The image of Hokuto's face upon seeing him covered in the disgusting substance was priceless. She looked like a fish, mouth opening and closing. 

A chuckle.

Subaru brought his hand up over his mouth, fighting to suppress the laughter. But it was no use...the image of his sister, rolling on the ground and laughing so hard that tears made her make-up run, grabbed Subaru and wouldn't let him go. Subaru started laughing aloud, a rich, deep laughter that was rare for him. The cafe patrons stared at the strange young man, laughing at nothing and sitting all alone. 

Ahhh...he really needed to get some sleep, and stop relying on coffee so much. 

Just as he was finishing the last of his mug, a young man entered the shop. He had a large stuffed bear in his arms, completely white. The sight of the plush sent a pang to Subaru's heart. He watched, almost longingly, as the bright-eyed young man made his way to a table for two. There, a pretty young girl sat. As he approached, her eyes widened and a grin broke out on her face. She jumped up and hugged him, the bear trapped between the two of them. He kissed her, and presented the bear. The words "Happy White Day" drifted over to him. She exclaimed over the bear for a while, then they left, arm in arm, off on a date of some sort...perhaps to the movies or dinner.

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White Day? Subaru thought. He clicked the days off in his head, and realized that it was, in fact, March 14th. Not that it mattered to him. He didn't really care for holidays at all...mostly because Hokuto-chan HAD, and anything that reminded him of Hokuto-chan...

Valentine's Day, he hated most of all, for the obvious, and perhaps not-so-obvious, reasons. But White Day he was rather indifferent to. Nothing had ever happened to him on White Day. No girl had ever offered him chocolate, and even if they had, he doubt he would have returned their feelings. Only one person…

He shrugged and stood, preparing to leave. Another holiday, another year, it was always the same...

***

It was dusk by the time Subaru arrived home. The exorcism had gone smoothly, although Subaru had to refrain from laughing in the priest's face when he first met him. The older man looked just like the actor from the movie...

After taking a quick shower and slipping into his pajama bottoms, Subaru fixed a mug of hot chocolate and wandered barefoot into his room, ready to settle down for the night. He flicked on the light to his bedroom, debating whether he should read or watch TV, when he saw it.

The mug slipped from his fingers, shattering as the hot chocolate tumbled across the floor. Subaru didn't even notice the dark liquid seeping into the hardwood floor...his eyes were riveted to his bed.

There, sitting in all its perfection, was a single white rose. It lay across the black sheets, its soft petals begging to be touched. Subaru stared at it for a moment, then he snapped out of his daze, his eyes darting around the room, looking for the person he knew was long gone.

Slowly, as if walking through dream, or an illusion, he walked to the side of the bed and picked up the precious flower. It was beautiful. It was young, not fully bloomed, but old enough not to be a bud. A single white ribbon was tied around its thorny stem. Subaru lifted it to his nose and breathed. 

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A White Day present, Seishirou-san?

He knew it should anger him. That it was a joke to the assassin, another way to toy with Subaru's feelings. Bait for his prey. But as Subaru gazed at the rose, a sense of peace washed through him. He felt light, and the humor from earlier that day came to the surface once again. The 13th Clan of the Sumeragi Clan smiled a gentle smile as he laid the rose down next to the stuffed kitten that was perched on his nightstand. He stared at the solitary flower for a long time.

As he turned off the lights and settled between his sheets, one last, humorous thought drifted into his mind.

__

It's about time, Seishirou-san...


End file.
